rants of a panganay

foreword: it's alive! it's alive! whoa. tagal ko na palang di nagp-post dito. last post ko pa was january. at least same year pa din hehe. it has been a roller coaster ride for me these past few months. a lot has really happened. pero sa ibang post ko na lang siguro sasabihin. that is pag sinipag ako ulit mag post. anyways, on to the main post!

sheesh. hirap maging panganay. i don't why, pero it seems like sa family ko lang siguro yun. i mean it could be different sa ibang panganay (eldest child - for those of you who can't read/understand tagalog). ever since totoy pa lang kami ng aking mga kapatid panganay na ako (duh! of course. insanity filling up, sorry). even though hindi sinasabi ng mga parents (although in my case, they always remind me), it is clearly understood that the eldest child should be more responsible than the younger siblings. that was my upbringing (nuks! doesn't really show).

at first i thought that it should be ok, i can handle it. i can live to their expectations. but, most of the time i feel pressured. i feel stressed. especially now that i'm working. i have to be much more responsible than even before. it's hard. it really is. sheesh.

most of the time i have to burden to be the last outlet of my mom. it's hard. my mom usually complains to me about our family issues and such. it's tiring. i usually don't have any outlet to pass on the negative vibes so it usually get stucks with me.

i also have to be able to keep up with my younger brothers. and i can't. they are far too stubborn for me to handle. the youngest is a playboy (and his only in his 2nd year of highschool). he always uses his celfone. he doesn't pay much attention with his studies now. and it's a pity.. he was supposed to be the smartest among us. he was always on the top of his class from nursery to grade school.. but now, he changes his gf(s) (he won't admit it, but we assume it's already a gf) every year. sheesh.

the middle brother is a registered nurse. i should be proud. i am proud. it's just, we have to keep pushing him to make a move. to find trainings for his career. to find a good job in a good hospital. he always have excuses. he's the most stubborn and insensitive amongst us brothers. he usually thinks for himself. he's nice when he needs you but, he's a totally different person otherwise. i also wish he could be responsible enough to handle things while i'm not around.

i'm tired. but, i'm happy. happy to have this kind of life. it's stressful, but i guess it's ok with me. i just need some outlet sometimes. it's family love (cheesy yet true). i'm glad to be a panganay especially when i have a conversation like this with my brother:

*this is a yahoo messenger conversation between me and jerome (middle child).

jay:nasabi ba sayo ni mami na maghanap ka ng ibang training habang wala pa ung as feu?
jay: pag nakahanap ka bibigyan kita ng allowance..

jerome: hindi nako pwedeng maghanap ng ibang training kasi meron na nga ako sa feu
jerome: kahait na bgyan mo pa ako wala narin akong mahhnap ng ibang training kasi halos laht ng hospital close na
jerome: swerte nko sa feu kasi nkapasok agad ako
jerome: alam mo aking mahal na kapatid, sobrang hirap maghanap ng maaaplyan sa hospital so dinami daming narses dito sa pinas.. j

ay: ok. pasensya na aking nakakabatang kapatid..
jay: nagmamalasakit lang naman ang iyong kuya sapagkat iniisip din niya ang iyong kabukasan mahal kong kapatid..

jerome: naiintindihan ko kayo aking nakakatandang kapatid..bagamat subalit hindi ko maaaring hawakin ang tadhana sapagkat sadyang mahirapmagaapply